Surviving, Not Just Existing: My Journey Through Mental Health Struggles

Before moving forward, I want to clarify that I’m not a licensed professional or therapist. Still, I want to talk about my experience with mental hospitals, therapy, and fighting through suicidal thoughts.

Throughout my life, I’ve often felt caught between two worlds – one in which my identity as a Deaf person is celebrated within my deaf community and another where mainstream society fails to understand the unique challenges I face. My journey through mental health struggles has been marked by isolation, misunderstanding, and, ultimately, resilience. Today, I hope to share my story and address some common questions that many in our community have.

My Story

Growing up, I didn’t have many conversations about emotional intelligence, emotions charts, or coping with emotions. I was taught to put aside my feelings to avoid conflicts and knowing I might be unfairly punished (again). I didn’t grow up in a stable and safe environment. I came from a dysfunctional family. I also came from a family member with addictions. I try to get out of anyone’s hair to avoid conflicts. I mean, it did work for a while because I didn’t know any better. Unfortunately, as I get older – my body, my attitude, my patience- I no longer can “mask” the pains I was enduring. I carried heavy emotions. I wasn’t properly diagnosed until I was about 22-something. I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder with depressed mood and anxiety in 2016, which eventually changed into major depressive disorder (MDD) with recurrent episodes in 2020.

Now that I’m an adult with experiences, I can look back and realize many things. I remember I absolutely hated the line “You Are Not Alone” when I felt so alone back then. So, I guess that’s why I wanted to share a bit—of course, I won’t go deeper into my issues. However, I want to offer alternative solutions, where to look into, and what to do if you or someone you might know happens to experience something similar.

When you are experiencing something heavy, when it seems the world still smiles without you, it can be bound to drive you to madness. Maybe you start to say something that might throw people off guard. Some might give you a look and say, “Are you ok?” Some might avoid you. Some might change their behaviors around you. That’s when you might realize something might be wrong. That might be new to you, and nothing seems to be familiar. Often, most don’t understand what you are trying to explain and usually feed you with false hope.

“Oh, you’re just overthinking.“

“What do you mean? Everyone is fine and smiling. So you should be, too.“

“You will get over it.“

“No, you shouldn’t feel like this way.“

“We do not talk about this to our friends or others.“

“I don’t believe in therapy.“

“I don’t know – my family and I don’t have this kind of problem.“

For a long time, I managed to hide the heavy emotions I was carrying. However, as I got older, I found that I could no longer mask the pain. In my early twenties, I finally received a proper diagnosis. In 2016, I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder with depressed mood and anxiety, which eventually evolved into major depressive disorder (MDD) with recurrent episodes by 2020.

Now, as an adult with the benefit of hindsight, I see many things more clearly. I remember hating the phrase “You Are Not Alone” when I felt utterly isolated. That’s one reason I’m sharing my story today. I’m not here to dive deep into every detail of my past pain but rather to offer alternative solutions, share resources, and provide guidance for anyone facing similar challenges.

When you’re overwhelmed by darkness while the world around you seems bright and carefree, it can feel maddening. You might start behaving in ways that surprise those around you. Some people might give you a concerned look and ask, “Are you okay?” while others might avoid you entirely. Comments like, “You’re just overthinking,” or “Everyone is fine, so you should be too,” only deepen the isolation. Well-intentioned advice often ends up as false hope, leaving you with isolated.

Not everyone has a safe space to explore their feelings. I lost several Deaf individuals to suicide, and I even witnessed the tragic aftermath of a hearing person’s decision to end her life. More recently, another member of our Deaf community was lost. These experiences underscore a hard truth: suicide needs to be discussed openly, especially in the Deaf community and among people with disabilities. We face a higher risk of suicide, often driven by isolation, communication barriers, and systemic neglect. I know that also extends to DeafBlind, Late-deafness, hard of hearing, and persons with disabilities. Heck, this blog post doesn’t even cover every struggle that persons with disabilities face. 

I didn’t fully understand the gravity of my mental health struggles back then. I didn’t know that every mental disorder deserved to be taken seriously until I experienced its full impact. Receiving an official diagnosis from a professional was a turning point—even though the stigma and stereotypes around mental health often delay the moment when we seek help. I learned about the warning signs the hard way:

1. Emotional and Cognitive impacts
   Persistent sadness, hopelessness, lack of motivation, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of worthlessness.
2. Physical symptoms
   Changes in sleep patterns, appetite disturbance, chronic fatigue, and body aches
3. Funcitional Impariment
   Difficulty maintaining work, relationships, and daily responsibilities
4. Higher Risk of Co-occurring Conditions:
   Anxiety disorder, PTSD, substance use disorder, and other medical issues often accompany MDD.

I always felt that my childhood was far from “normal.” I wore a mask to function in society and to meet my family’s expectations. After attending a private university from 2012 until circumstances forced me out in 2015, I found myself isolated—couch-surfing across the country without a stable home or support network. It was during this turbulent time that I also turned to alcohol. I wasn’t much of a drinker until I reached my early twenties, but soon I became dependent on alcohol as a way to find temporary happiness and social acceptance. I mistakenly believed that intoxication was the key to escaping my pain. Before long, I was blacking out frequently, waking up with bruises, and witnessing my relationships crumble under the weight of my actions.

I share all of this not to dwell solely on the pain, but to shed light on the importance of having open, honest conversations about mental health—especially for those in the Deaf community and people with disabilities who often feel overlooked. My story is not meant to serve as a comprehensive account of every struggle but rather as a call for awareness, compassion, and proactive support.

If any part of my journey resonates with you, please know that you deserve help, support, and understanding. There is hope, and there are resources available to guide you through even the darkest moments.

The day I decided to be honest with my primary doctor about my mental struggles. Doctor was able to put me on meds right away.

To be honest, it was taking forever for my meds to get working. Usually, you need to start with a low dose for at least two weeks for it effectively working. You began to feel a little better within a month. It took years and years to adjust the mood with meds on. However it doesn’t work right away without professional support. It took about four years before I finally noticed my meds are helping.

Treatment and Management

– Therapy: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), or other evidence-based approaches can help.

• Medication: Antidepressants like SSRIs, SNRIs, or other prescribed treatments may be necessary.

• Lifestyle Changes: Regular exercise, a balanced diet, structured routines, and social support can improve outcomes.

• Professional Support: Regular check-ins with a mental health professional are crucial for long-term management.

During those time of slowly recovering and healing, there are a lot of times where I felt it was easier to give up. I wasn’t fully ready to let alcohol go because it was the only thing that is consistently there for me. Without realizing it, I allowed alcohol consumed my life. Which is a huge No-No for being on meds and drinking.

A psychiatric hospital is a dedicated facility for mental health care, while a psychiatric ward is a designated area within a general hospital focused on mental health treatment.

Obviously, I paid my price where it led me to mental hospital. It took a few times before I was able to get released. I’m not a fan of the experience I got admitted without my consent, but it wasn’t too bad because I can see that they are genuinely trying to help even although it didn’t solve my everything problems overnight. I still face few problems when I got out. But that’s when I realize I developed another addiction of being on phone, doomscrolling the social media, and get so anxious without having my phone. When I was admitted into Psychiatric hospital, I was not allowed to use my phone. Even if they don’t have a videophone. I didn’t bother to memorize the phone numbers either.

I remember being mentally exhausted that I don’t want to stay advocating for myself as a Deaf person to get interpreters. In fact, it didn’t crossed my mind – I was exhausted with the writing on the paper back-forward with the psych nurses, psychiatrists, case manager,

Share how my blog became a lifetime when I wasn’t even fully aware of it.

Offer advice for others who feel lost but don’t know where to turn.

Common Problems

• Communication Barriers:
  Deaf individuals often experience difficulties in accessing information when services, education, and healthcare lack sign language interpretation or captioning. This communication gap can lead to miscommunication, misunderstandings, and feelings of exclusion.
  
• Social Isolation and Exclusion:
  Many in the Deaf community report isolation due to limited opportunities for meaningful interaction with both the broader hearing society and within segments of their own community. This isolation can intensify mental health challenges like depression and anxiety.
  
• Inaccessible Education and Employment:
  A lack of tailored educational resources and workplace accommodations often results in underemployment or unemployment. Deaf students may not receive early exposure to a fully accessible language, affecting their long-term academic and career opportunities.
  
• Barriers to Healthcare and Mental Health Services:
  Health services, including mental health care, frequently fall short in providing the necessary accessibility—whether through the unavailability of interpreters or a lack of culturally competent care—compounding existing vulnerabilities.
  
• Systemic Discrimination and Stereotyping:
  Widespread misconceptions persist, such as the erroneous belief that deafness or disability inherently equates to emotional fragility or incompetence. These stereotypes can undermine self-esteem and limit opportunities for inclusion.
  
• Systemic Provider Shortages:
  It’s also important to note that in many regions, mental health services in general are under-resourced, which further exacerbates the wait times for both hearing and deaf individuals. But the additional need for accessibility tends to widen the gap for deaf and disabled clients.

Hard Facts About the Issues

• Statistical Disparities:
  Research consistently shows that the Deaf community faces higher unemployment rates and educational disparities compared to the general population. These systemic issues contribute to long-term socio-economic challenges.
  
• Mental Health Impact:
  Studies indicate that isolation, communication barriers, and discrimination can lead to significantly higher rates of anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles among deaf individuals and people with disabilities.
  
• Access Gaps:
  Many services—from emergency communications to routine healthcare—often lack accessible formats. This isn’t merely an inconvenience; it can result in life-threatening situations or the inability to receive timely help.
  
• Intersectionality Matters:
  The challenges become even more pronounced for those who belong to multiple marginalized groups (for instance, Deaf individuals who are also from racial or ethnic minorities), highlighting that a one-size-fits-all approach to accessibility is insufficient.
  
• “Average” Wait Time
  Many deaf individuals face significantly longer wait times because there’s a shortage of therapists who are fluent in sign language or who understand the unique needs of deaf clients. Anecdotally, while a hearing person might secure a therapy appointment within 2 to 4 weeks, a deaf person may often wait 8 to 12 weeks—or sometimes even longer—in areas where qualified providers are scarce.

In Conclusion

In summary, while many hearing individuals might expect to wait a few weeks for an appointment, deaf individuals and people with disabilities often face extended wait times—potentially 8 to 12 weeks or more—due largely to a lack of specialized, accessible providers. These figures are based on available community reports and limited research data, and actual wait times can vary widely by region and service system.

My journey has taught me that surviving isn’t about just getting by—it’s about actively seeking change and growth despite the challenges. As someone who has navigated the complexities of being Deaf while facing mental health struggles, I understand the isolation, frustration, and pain that can come with feeling misunderstood. Yet, through community support, accessible care, and personal resilience, I’ve learned that we can build lives where we not only survive but truly thrive.

If you’re facing similar challenges, know that there is hope, there is help, and you deserve to be heard. Let’s continue this conversation and work together to create a more inclusive world where every voice—spoken or signed—is valued.

Please, please reach out to someone who can help you right now—a crisis counselor, a friend, someone who can be with you in this moment. You don’t deserve to carry this weight alone. You don’t have to wait until you “figure everything out” before asking for help. You deserve help now.

If you’re in immediate danger, please reach out to a crisis service:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (Call or text 988, they have chat too)
• Deaf Crisis Text Line (Text DEAF to 741741)
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for Deaf/Hard of Hearing (1-800-273-8255, press 1 for TTY)
• Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860) if you need someone from the queer community to talk to

If calling feels too overwhelming, text a crisis line instead. It’s okay if you don’t have the words—you don’t have to explain everything. Just let someone be there for you.